Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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