I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize