my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
