Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
