My liver just broke up with me...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
