it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
