Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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