I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
