Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
