I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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