I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
