Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
