my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
