I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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