Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
