I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
