why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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