so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
