One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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