i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
