Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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