upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
