We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
