if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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