We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
