Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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