Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
handjob tips. give me some.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
