Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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