I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
