I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
