sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
