Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
