two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
