How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
