No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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