just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize