Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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