there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
