I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
