Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
