I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
