I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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