Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
