I just pynch a tree in the face
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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