Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
