She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
