I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
