I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
