Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
