You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize