Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
