I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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