I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
