I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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