lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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