Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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