the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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