So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
