I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
