I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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