you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
