We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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