Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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