this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
