so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
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