I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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