My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
