smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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