I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
